I live blogged Brokechella 2014 under the hashtag #siribrokechella. Brokechella, unlike Brochella or other “joke”chella, is an actual festival. This year cARTel held it at 590 S. Sante Fe—an event space that left a lot to be desired during last summer’s less than jubilant Jubilee Fest.

Yes, there is the looming 6th Street Bridge that might fall during the Big One.

Yes, there are desperate Amtrak trains that pass by occasionally (Amtrak wants to compensate schmucks like me if we write while riding their trains)

Yes, there is a concrete aqueduct where a current of acid rain flows in the rare event of rain.

But there’s also an MC Escher maze of gutted warehouses, with glitched entrances (I’ve been here before and I was still shocked when I found out there was ANOTHER zone I’d yet to frequent), and oh yeah, LAPD-sanction security blockades wherever beer was served.

In this case, there was only one beer garden thanks to the LAPD’s last minute ordering.

All good. I know that beer gardens are the best and worst part of every festival.

And that’s why I ate a slice of pizza, and slapped a huge grin on my face. Because who wants to read a scathing review of post-Globalization banality.

Oh yeah. Technically, I didn’t even “write” anything.

I figured Siri would help translate my thoughts. And, when in doubt, I just handed my phone to people and told them they could Tweet or Instragram whatever they wanted.

So I had this flower, but I couldn’t give it someone I wanted to sleep with because that wouldn’t be Kind.

I did the next best thing and gave it to a publication that I’ve been helping under the table.

CAPTION: Free your mind, corrupt your soul – #laweeklystreet

Of course, leave it to LA Weekly to make things dire and political.

Also, intern, if you wanna write for LA Weekly, like you said, you gotta figure out how blogs work. I recommend Trust Me, I’m Lying by Ryan Holiday.

Of course, I do things besides trip out and do press, so I hadn’t eaten all day. Luckily there were at least five food trucks to choose from. CAPTION: Hamborghini is out-of-control I and on my… Is so great I want to eat it Fifteen minutes in, though, and I haven’t moved an inch in line. Are we in the Soviet Union? Eff that mess. I knew I needed to give the press back to the people.

@Devinrolls was very uncomfortable with the idea of Tweeting for a media source. My faith in revolution… depleted.

Stag played first, and of course, I missed them. But as I understand it with solid electronic bands, there’s not much difference between the album and the concert.

Finally, I got some food in my belly. It was overpriced, and the bread wasn’t toasted.

There was an app that I didn’t bother figuring out.

CAPTION: “Happy to make new Naked friends!” – @nakedjuice

Free naked juice is the next best thing to loads of attractive naked people.

Liza Oppenheimer has the same last name as one of the physicists who worked on the Manhattan Project. Her comedy kind of bombed. She played inside the same warehouse as the beer garden. Over the din, I’m not sure the crowd understood that her Lana Del Rey-esque pop was actually a sharp satire of LA’s own superficiality.

CAPTION: Is bananas I graded. He and Alyssa watch is so great!!! #greenhorse

This is much nicer than my honest critique of any band that sounds remotely similar to Radiohead.

CAPTION: Supper something to go in the sunroom it was awesome

Things only went downhill from here.

CAPTION: Bad Nadia this band is called a threesome with it Alysia to midcity wonder and I don’t know if that’s a good thing at that thing that all yeah woo hoo

I found out later this band was called The Mot Noveau.

At this point I saw Liza Oppenheimer hobbling on crutches. I yelled into my phone and chased her down —

CAPTION: “Bringin the broke to brokechella.” – @lizaoppenheimer

Despite the under-appreciated set, Liza Oppenheimer is very funny. She came up with that line on the spot.

CAPTION: “Hi I’m really happy to be had I think I can estimate the Benchale I really will have a Coachella” – @pandakeeperFollowing

I interviewed the most Coachella looking person at Brokechella. Of course, they too made the mistake of using Siri to enter text into my iPhone.

CAPTION: ” ” – @TheLesbians Siri, obviously dumbstruck by the sheer magnitude of Kera’s performance.

Evidently, I remembered what was going on in that room earlier.

CAPTION: “Im bout to be your baby momma.” – Classy Trash

CAPTION: “No im not i f***ed your brother Raymond.” – mermaid


CAPTION: I’m sick as a guy playing a game it was awesome and I was like it was awesome

CAPTION: I like the Southwest scared to be for free that is so crazy and I love Rochella boo

Free Monster Energy Drinks? Are you trying to kill me?

Siri, I had three free Monsters. It’s not like I started doing meth again, baby —


At this point Siri stopped listening to me. But gawdamn if she don’t know how to win a caption contest.

CAPTION: Bye-bye #siribrokechella

See all the Siri fails at #siribrokechella on Instagram and Twitter

@_DanielWarren eats pizza and worries about the future. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.

Related Reading:
Brokechella in Haiku (or a brief pretentious review)
Brokechella 2k13 Photo Gallery

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