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Aerosmith @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Irvine, California
July 29, 2010
by Lindsay DeLong
I used to detest boys before Steven Tyler was introduced to my life. I planned on marrying my brother Camden, because I figured, if I had to marry a boy, I might as well pick one that shared my own cooties. But then I discovered Steven and realized that maybe I should keep my options open for a bit. My life changed drastically from then on. Hello boy crazy! Steven Tyler has an unnatural and alarming affect on people… even little girls.
I have been actively trying to meet Steven Tyler since I was 10. I used to send him invitations to my birthday parties each year, leaving my phone number along with the exact location, time, and theme of the event. He never came. I’ve written to Oprah because I heard that she makes dreams come true. She doesn’t. And not too long ago, I made a video for the Ellen DeGeneres show of me sitting in a bubble bath in a hideous pink polka-dot one-piece bathing suit singing the Aerosmith song, “Pink” at the top of my lungs. Ellen’s supposed to love that kind of passion-over-talent stuff… but apparently it can’t hurt the audience’s ears.
Nothing was working, and I still had an undying passion to meet him. That’s when I entered the Aerosmith’s Most Deserving Fan contest. The dedicated winner would receive a Meet and Greet with Steven Tyler and Joe Perry at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre in Irvine on July 29, 2010. Each fan had to write an essay describing why they were most deserving and I was up against some pretty fierce competition, most notably– Richard S. –“The cancer patient who overcame cancer due to Aerosmith.” His entry made me want to quit and cry. But still, I’d gone through my fair share of disappointing birthday parties and wanted to win.
It was neck and neck between him and I for the entire four days of voting. He had forums of Aerosmith fans and fellow survivors on the official website rooting for him. He was fending well– but I was too. I was now an airline stewardess, and as soon as passengers stepped onto my plane, they were fair game. They had entered my audience, and I used it to my full advantage. They had to listen to an Aerosmith speech after the mandatory “seat belt and oxygen mask operations.” I would chat people up during the beverage service handing out full cans of cola, instead of the normal splash on a cup of ice. “You want two packs of peanuts? Here, have a handful!!! (Wink wink.)” As passengers would deplane I would hand them a cocktail napkin engraved with the link to vote. After the flight people would clap, and as old ladies exited they would grab me and squeeze my wrist and whisper, “You go girl!” and “I don’t blame you… he’s sooo sexy.” The people were feeling the affect.
It worked, and I won. And to ease my conscience I made a quick vow that someday, somehow I will pass my crown to Richard S.

The big day finally came. I was completely ready. I had given up pizza, candy, and Cheez-It’s a month prior. I did sit ups and pushups. I put glitter dust on my skin and an Aerosmith temporary tattoo on my arm. I wore gold. I wore earrings flaunting Stevens face. I was a nervous wreck.
I survived the VIP Pre-Party and drank free beer to calm my nerves. I made friends with ladies who had paid $1500 each to be there. I took a picture kissing a tattooed Steven Tyler on the lower back of a girl. I checked the makeup of a woman who had just turned 50 and had Heidi Montag-fake boobs, who dropped the tip of her red lipstick down the front of her shirt, just to watch it swiftly fall out the bottom because her boobs were so spaced out and perky nothing could have stuck.
The next thing we knew we were in a single file line leading into the room where Steven and Joe were. We were allowed to have them sign one thing each. The girl with the tattoo went ahead of me, empty handed, because all she wanted/needed was Steven Tyler to sign her tramp stamp. I was next. I had a framed photo of him and his girlfriend, Erin Brady (grrrr…) on the red carpet at some event… except my face was photo-shopped over hers. We looked perfect together. I adjusted my skintight denim dress and walked in.
And that is when 17 years of preparation took control: I handed Steven the framed photo and said in one breath, “Here Steven this is for you-it’s a present-it’s me and you-only not really me and you because that’s someone else’s body-and look at my earrings-they have you on them!” And that is when Steven Tyler said to me, “You’re crazy!” And I paused and looked back at him and said, “YOU’RE crazy!” And he screamed (thee Steven Tyler scream), and then I screamed (thee Steven Tyler scream), and I swung my arms around both him and Joe Perry like they were my old buddies and we took a picture. I was then whisked outside in a blur; tears of happiness swarming down my cheeks. The first person I saw was a woman security guard and I hugged her and she hugged me back and as I nuzzled my face into her bosom she said, “I understand, I understand.”
The Steven Tyler affect conquers all. From little girls and old woman, to models and actresses, to cancer survivors and most deserving fans, to security guards and 27-year-old “crazies.” Camden is going to have to find someone else to marry. Maybe I’ll go for Richard S.

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